My prince... he's everything you could ask for in a guy. A true gentleman, best friend, and lover. I haven't seen him for 1 month because he went to visit family in his home country. He always texted me and left me messages saying, "I love you and I miss you." ^u^ It's good to know he still remembered me while we are far far away. I missed him very much!

The moment he returns, the first thing he told me was, "I love you and I miss you! But... don't take our relationship so seriously, okay?"

What am I supposed to make of this situation?

How could I forget we're on "break" right now? You know... Open relationship. I had the hardest time about it. How could I forget? Believe me, I created distance between us now. But I still love him with all my heart.

I'm starting to check-out other guys again. I had several guys ask me out already. But, I didn't find anyone suiting. I will try to get a summer fling - just for fun. It'll be a short short termed relationship. Not looking for a long termed relationship - just a fling. Why? Because I love my Prince. ^^

But, it breaks my heart that he's worried that I'm too serious about our relationship. It's as though he wants us to break apart A.S.A.P. I'm getting mixed message from him.

Normal relationship... no matter how impossible to dream that, "oh, this guy is the one. I'm going to marry him" ... I dream it. Even though I KNOW we won't be together forever... I still dream it. But how come... whenever I dream of being together with my Prince forever... it gets brought down to reality?

I know dreams aren't always reality. I know that.

Dreaming is good - no matter how insane.
Reality is good - it's what's real.

So, I don't understand... what my Prince is thinking. He just came back from his trip. And I'm about to take off on my trip to my home countries. I don't want to create something depressing when things could be nice. I just had to let it out today.

And all of a sudden, he wants to become a celebrity back in his home country. If he's trying to claim all the girls attention there... then great. But... I don't want to be reminded that... I'm not going to be his only girl. I'll pretend that he's not going to date other women. I want to be clueless.

Just like in the Great Gatsby, "When you grow up, Just be a pretty fool." said the lady to her daughter. She meant to live life not knowing half of the things. Stupid, but some things kept secret is bliss.

I want to be that fool.

I was inspired by the anime Shugo Chara. I haven't caught up with the series because I just started, but so far, I have been truly inspired by the series.

If our dreams were in forms of eggs that hatches out Guardian Characters... mine surely would have been a Batsu Egg, an X Egg.

I always put myself down. Sometimes I do that because I don't believe that I deserve praise from others and I don't want to come off as.... someone who basks themselves in people's words. I don't know a good term for that. Pompous? Maybe? Other times... I really do put myself down because I lost faith in myself. I forgot who I can be and became very depressed.

However, this anime shows how to view the positive aspect of every bad situation. It showed me that in every horrible situation, you can either view it as a time for growth or a time of despair. Wouldn't viewing the brighter side make everyone less miserable?

I decided... to give that a shot.

The day I stepped foot in college... I was told by my parents that, "The school must've made a mistake to accept someone with your level of scores. Don't kill people in Pharm school!" And falling into a series of the hardest professor in my school.... I fell in a downward spiral. I dodn't beleive in myself. I had bad luck. And my parents thought it was a mistake.

I thought, "Maybe... I am truly dumb and got accidentally accepted into this elite school."

I had that view about myself throughout my freshman year. When I found the anime Shugo Chara... I was inspired to believe in myself. I set high goals and a reasonable studying schedule for myself. And now, re-taking a class I failed miserablly in my freshman year... I'm recieving fairly good scores in a very competitive class. It wasn't that I didn't have the potential to do well, it was that I didn't believe in myself.

My message is... even if people say you are a mistake or puts you down in anyway... keep it in mind, but don't take it to heart. Only YOU know who you are and what you really can be. The words can cut you deep, but believeing in yourself is the first step in reaching your goals.

It's normal for freshmans to fail classes in college. You don't know your studyihng style. You're in a new environment. You're trying to find a new group of friends to study and hang out with. ETC. There's a huge load of transitioning for freshmans! It's okay to stumble the first year. Why? Because you learn from it and apply it to the next year. I'm a living proof.

My goals for harder and more difficult classes is very high. I want A's. I will achieve it because I know I can do well if I put my mind to it. Just believe in yourself and you can succeed. Don't hesitate to reach your dreams. There will be a bunch of stumbling before getting to the top, but learn from it and apply it.

My 9th grade year was my most difficult time. I fought with my parents about school, life, religion - everything. It's tough living under the same room when your parents aren't too proud of the religion you chose to believe in. Yes. My parents are Buddhists and I am a Christian. I always accept their views, but they couldn't accept mine.

The majority of the time I was depressed. I was looking for someone who would love me in any way, shape, or form. I didn't care if they wanted to take advantage of me. I just wanted to be loved. As a result, I was a very feeble person. I broke down a lot. I hated everyone. I lost interest on life. I wanted to die.

Then something came up....

I remember back in 9th grade where I was literally "owned" by someone. I called him "Kouya." He was my master. I was his slave. I did everything for him. Fought for him. Loved him. Eased his pains. Everything. We had a good master-slave relationship. But it wasn't all good...

I experienced my first harassment. I'm a very sheltered girl. Sometimes I understand the double meanings and sexual innuendos, but the majority of those times I don't understand. When my master told me to help him "cum"... I had no idea what he meant. I thought he short formed "come" into "cum."

I replied saying, "Yea. I'll help you come."
He says, "Will you really help me?"
"Sure thing," I replied
"Send me 5 nudes. 2 with nothing covered." he answers.

... I was shocked. I wanted to help him, but I would never send nudes to people. I wouldn't even take nudes.

After that day, our relationship went down hill. We didn't talk as much, and he didn't order me to do things as much. I felt seperated. One thing that didn't stop was that we would still role-played on the internet. I was still his slave. I remembered we did "not so good" things. I was basically his sex slave.

Yep. Thinking back to my past... I remembered this incident vividly.